You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
