Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
