it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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