you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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