Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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