I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
