Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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