Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
