Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
