there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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