Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She bit a glass in half.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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