My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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