soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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