I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
