Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
