i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
