saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
