My first STD was from a foam party
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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