this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
All the doctor said was why
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
