Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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