Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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