I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
