Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
