woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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