with your own penis?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
this just has baby written all over it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize