my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
