Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
