My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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