just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
