I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
