I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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