There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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