When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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