I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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