your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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