cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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