where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
