The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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