awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize