; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
