Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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