You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Randomize
