I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
