He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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