WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
