Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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