his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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