Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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