I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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