oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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