Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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