all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
