it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
