No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
