woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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