On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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