I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
