Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
