Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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