I cockslap morals
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
