We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Couch. On fire.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
